together, we can stop franco!

newer news.

2004-07-04T20:51:00.000-07:00

NEWS FLASH--ON THURSDAY THE FORECAST WAS FOR A BEAUTIFUL DAY AND NOW IT IS GOING TO RAIN ALL DAY WHICH IS NOT GOOD. SINCE FRANCO CANNOT INSTITUTE HIS DASTARDLY PLAN (WHATEVER THAT PLAN MAY BE) UNTIL THE WEATHER IS GOOD WE ARE POSTPONING THE THIRD AND FINAL EPISODE OF STOP FRANCO UNTIL NEXT SATURDAY, THE 31ST OF AUGUST, AT 1.30. WE WILL MEET BEFORE THIS EPISODE AT THE MUMFORD'S HOUSE. PLEASE CHECK THIS SPACE FOR FURTHER UPDATES.

lots of new links over there on the right, everyone. i highly suggest everyone takes a few minutes to peruse them. see you tomorrow!

-johnny

ps. someone on your team is going to want to wear tevas, or some sort of sandal type shoe. but that same person may want to bring regular shoes and socks, too.

pps. check back here often. there may be some new, last minute information to see!

ppps. after we successfully stop franco (which, of course, we'd better, or else . . .) we will be getting together at the mumford's house for a celebratory, informal type get-together. plan your rides to pick you up there at around6:00-6:30, somewhere in there.

new news.

2004-07-03T15:33:00.000-07:00

hello! well, there will be some new information posted in this space very shortly, but for all of you who are waiting around, looking for something to do, i suggest you check the archives section on the right to see if there's something worth doing there. or at least something that will earn you some time.

Scores Through Episode 2

2004-07-03T11:08:00.000-07:00

For those who want evidence here on the web regarding the scores of each team, here they are in handy on-line form. Print them out and impress your friends! Feel free to browse around and check through the archives--there may be something there work looking at. (Hint, hint.)

1st Place | 291 total minutes | Peter Pan's Neon Nightriders
2nd Place | 296 total minutes | Fast Cashews of Fear
3rd Place | 351 total minutes | Knights Who Say "Nee"
4th Place | 371 total minutes | Crazy Mystery Squid Squad
5th Place | 373 total minutes | Dukes of Hazzard

Pay attention, folks, there may be some opportunities to make up time in the next two weeks.

--Johnny, July 12

It takes a village to stop Franco Swartzendruber.

2004-07-02T11:15:00.000-07:00

Hey, everyone, thanks for taking a few minutes to stop by. I created this site in order to better provide you all with the information you need to stop that neferious Franco. Over on the right hand side you'll find links to the biographies of the suspects, but more importantly, you'll also see 'facts' listed for the three suspects you met last week--Meathead Sanderson-Tucker, Lena Mechtersheimer, and Thad Tanschnoz. Also on the right side you'll find a reprint of the 'URLs of Import' from your CDs, with a few important additions at the bottom of the list. Make sure you move your mouse over them--depending on the browser you use, they may be hard to read.

Thanks again, be sure to leave a comment if you like, and enjoy!

For Bonus Minutes.

2004-07-01T15:40:00.000-07:00

If you are viewing this posting, it means you have taken the time to delve through the archives. Congratulations.

Here is your task: write a 300 word essay comparing the treatment of Napoleon by Tolstoy and Hugo in their great works, War and Peace and Les Miserables.

Email the completed essay to johnnyvelvet -at- the180.com (the -at- means @, see, there are little programs that go around the internet and spam any address they find there, and they find those email addresses to spam by looking for @ signs, so if you don't put the @ sign in your address, but put -at- instead, then the little programs can't find your email address, and that's a good thing). Anyway, if I like your essay, I will award you minutes--maybe a lot of minutes. Bear in mind that there is a tremendous wealth of information on these two books out there, and you won't have to read them to be able to write an answer.

Good luck!

Bern-dawg Jablonski's Facts

2004-07-01T10:00:00.012-07:00

Bernie didn't notice much while he worked at Franco's, really. He'll freely admit that he was a little preoccupied with the whole Brewers thing while he worked there. And he realizes he wasn't a very good employee.
He remembers that there was an office next to his in the building that had 'Number Two' on the nameplate, but he never once noticed who came in and out of that office.

He responded to an ad in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel for young Brewers fans to come to a warehouse downtown and earn $200 in a day to compete in a 'biggest Brewers fan possible' contest. There was a lot of free food available, hot dogs and such. They were then shown a video that sang the praises of the rest of the teams in the National League Central, and afterwards, they each picked their favorite baseball team. Everyone but Bernie choose the Cincinnati Reds. Bernie, of course, chose the Brewers. This was strange, because Bernie knew a lot of the other guys who were in the contest, and they were all die-hard Brewers fans.

He was then offered a job at the plant-due to his single-minded devotion to the Brewers, and he remembers Franco being quite impressed with him--for some reason, they thought he was extraordinarily strong of mind.

Turns out the only time he ever got any work done was when everything he worked on was emblazoned with the Brewers' logo. Franco got tired of marking everything with the Brewers logo, and this is part of why he was let go.

He was good friends with the Doctor who worked in the lab, Dr. Kutuzov, but the Dr. became very distant to him before he was let go by Franco.

Richard Cashfleau's Facts

2004-07-01T10:00:00.011-07:00

He's only been in the Milwaukee office for a few months now, and is still learning the ropes of the whole hot dog business. He's in the marketing department.

His job is to find new areas for Franco's to diversify into--other types of weiners and meat products. He was hired because of his reputation for being tough, but really, he's not a mean guy.

He's in Columbia on vacation. He's renting this place, and he never likes to go anywhere without his special poker table.

He started working the day after a sort of event at the plant. Apparently the company had a whole bunch of big-time Brewers fans over for a promotional event.

He will mention how excited he is to be working for Franco's Franks, since he's always been such a big bratwurst fan.

Dr. Mihail Mihail Ilarionovitch Kutuzov's Facts

2004-07-01T10:00:00.010-07:00

He is in the Columbia area due to the fact that he now lives up near Harrisburg in a small cabin, with his youngest daughter, Sophia. He's currently working on a chemistry textbook.

He's the inventor of Mustard-44, and will begin to talk about what exactly Mustard-44 does:

Originally a laboratory mistake, he discovered that one of the lab assistants at Franco's Food Lab would follow his directions with increased dutifulness whenever that employee had been around a beaker of a chemical that they had put in a storage area for further research. After noticing this, Dr. Kutuzov spent more time investigating the substance, finding, among other things, that his lab workers would really work hard for him whenever they were running tests on the chemical. He started asking them to do things that were generally apart from their normal work duties--things like detailing Dr. Kutuzov's car. However, generally, after about 30 minutes, they would 'come to' themselves and realize that what they were doing. After just a couple of tests, Dr. Kutuzov realized that the repercussions of further research would be very dangerous. Unfortunately, Franco had noticed how clean the usually dishevelled Dr. Kutuzov's car was, discovered the cause, and forced him to continue his research.

At this point, the substance was refined to such a point that it requires a 'trigger mechanism' to work, and it can sit latent in a person's system for almost a week before the trigger mechanism is released. The best kind of trigger mechanism is visual. A certain sequence of subconscious flashes will trigger the hypnotic response.

Mustard-44 is generally colorless and odorless. It integrates in to various substances.

Franco threatened to 'do something' to Dr. Kutuzov's daughter if he was ever caught speaking with anyone about all this--and he sure hopes that this Johnny can protect them.

The Middle Management Guy

2004-07-01T10:00:00.009-07:00

[Thad Tanschnoz]
Born: 17 October, 1964 + Duluth, Minnesota

Mr. Tanschnoz was always in the middle. He was the middle of 5 children, graduated in the middle of his class, broke his middle finger playing high school football. He is non-descript in every way, except for his incredible knack at being in the right place at the right time. He has gotten every 'lucky' break that a person has the right to get, and has therefore risen through the ranks at Franco's Franks' marketing department, and currently is the Director for Special Projects at Franco's. He is well-placed to be cognizant of any major developments in the marketing strategy of the company.

Lyrics for Johnny's Theme Song

2004-07-01T10:00:00.008-07:00

Hey, Johnny Velvet comin' at y'all
So be spy phat, y'all
And grab your laptop and all that, y'all
We're chasing Franco like a sneaky alley cat, y'all
And I'm glad we had this chat, y'all

Ho, keep your summer goin' slo-mo
On the down-low,
And bob your heads to the beat, yo
We've got to make sure Franco goes down in defeat, so
You best believe this is neat, yo

Johnny Velvet with the wack beats
Goin' oops upside your head and givin' y'all happy feats
So bob your heads to the theme song
Slide side to side and y'all be feelin' free to sing along
So go on and feel this groovy tune of summer time
With the secret agent kickin' all the illest rhymes
Like an ice cold mocha on a summer's day
This song is cool, creamy, and refreshing all the way

So if you're wonderin' 'bout the cat in the leisure suit
Private investigator, CIA to boot, and shoot, if you toot
You'd better own up, fo', and not refute
'Cause Johnny'll track you down and make you fart in ill repute
I'm not afraid to call 'em like I see 'em,
If I've got words, I'll free 'em to front like Maximus in the Colosseum
And like Joel and the bots, crackin' on a stinky flick,
I'll be honest, y'all, most other PIs make me sick

So by now, you're probably wonderin' about Franco,
And yeah, he's off the hook, but he's off his rocker also
'Cause something spanned when he got over last year's attack
And now he's frontin' like some crazy megalomaniac
So grab your homies and get ready to chase him down
All over town, the zaniness abounds, so
You best come large or you best not come at all
If you work with Johnny V. you'd better move like Peja without the ball

So now grab your notebook and a pen, if you want to win
It'll take your brain your instincts and a lucky spin
Dashing 'round the streets
Lookin' like a foo'
Just let the funky beats
Keep you headin' true
Ha, now once the game has started there's no hittin' pause
The only rule is that you must obey all traffic laws
So in case you're not standin' up by now
Johnny Velvet rocks from watch to socks, and how

The Scientist

2004-07-01T10:00:00.007-07:00

[Mihail Ilarionovitch Kutuzov]
Born: 3 April, 1940 + Volgograd, Russia, USSR

Dr. Kutuzov was the head of his class at every level of academia. He attended Volgograd State Technical University, then finished his graduate work in the chemistry department of the Moscow State University, one time home of the great Dmitrii Mendeleev, father of the periodic table. Due to the oppressive life he was forced to lead during the Cold War, and his devotion to polka music, he emigrated to Wisconsin in the 1980s, and began work as a chemist for a large processed food conglomerate. His specialty was preservatives, making processed foods taste less processed for longer periods of time. He was very successful in this venture, but became tired of it and has been looking for different outlets for his 'creativity.' He is currently single.

The High School Dropout

2004-07-01T10:00:00.006-07:00

[Meathead "Big Joe" Sanderson-Tucker]
Born: 3 January, 1979 + Joliet, Illinois

Mr. Sanderson-Tucker hasn't seemed to get a lot of breaks in his life. Born to a poor family, "Big Joe" had big dreams of owning his own food-distribution company, networks of 'Meathead's Meats' trucks delivering high-quality processed food goods to hungry Americans. Even in middle school, he had shown a great predilection for food distribution, spending job-shadowing days following truck drivers and plant foremen. His rise was being tracked by a number of talent scouts, but one day, while hanging out with his friends, he ate a stale Cheet-o, and was forced to spit out the tasteless contents in a garbage can. This one experience colored his opinion of the entire food industry, and, seeing no reason to continue on his current job path, he dropped out of high school and currently works as a Spring Training groundskeeper for the Chicago Cubs.

The Insane Brewers Fan

2004-07-01T10:00:00.005-07:00

[Bernie "Bern-Dawg" Jablonski]
Born: 1 October, 1982 + Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Bernie Jablonski has never really fit in, socially. He has never been able to make and maintain close friends, perhaps due to his erratic behavior. He has a sort of trivia-related disorder, in that he feels that he constantly needs to let other people know about the smallest bit of minutiae that happens to relate to current circumstances. He is certainly a force to be reckoned with in a Trivial Pursuit game, as he has memorized all the game cards. His bid to be in Jeopardy! was derailed by his insistence that NBC disclose Alex Trebek's nationality during the show, saying that since this was a 'common knowledge that has been covered up by the evil media cartel.' Bernie's only friends through his 22 years have been his Milwaukee Brewers, and he feels every Brewers loss more deeply than most of the players.

The Professional Poker Player

2004-07-01T10:00:00.004-07:00

[Richard Cashfleau]
Born: 13 July, 1973 + Laramie, Wyoming

Mr. Cashfleau is the great-grandson of Jean-Sebastien Cashfleau, a Frenchman who was enamored with the writings of Louis L'Amour, and who became a cattleman after winning a ranch in a high-stakes game of Five Card Stud. Richard was born on the family farm, grew up wanting to be a cowboy, but a bizarre accident made him decide to be a vegetarian. He moved to Reno to be a dealer at a casino, but found that he was skilled enough at playing poker in his off hours that he quit his job and began winning money from the famous people who came to Reno on vacation to gamble. Since then he has rocketed up the national poker rankings. His personal best game is Texas Hold 'Em, no wilds.

The Quilting Store Owner

2004-07-01T10:00:00.003-07:00

[Lena Mechtersheimer]
Born: 9 November, 1935 + Big Gap, Pennsylvania

Ms. Mechtersheimer is your typical Mennonite senior citizen with a rap sheet longer than Yao Ming's wingspan. Always enamored with life outside of her closed Mennonite community, she has, over the years, found many a scam to bilk her fellow rural people out of large sums of money. Seemingly without conscience or scruple, she's been known to take part in illegally trading spinach futures, selling fake BMW carriages, and organizing an underground hairdressing ring. She currently runs a quilting store in her home town, has renounced her life of crime, and enjoys spending time with her grandchildren.

R. Thaddeus Tanschnoz's Facts

2004-07-01T10:00:00.002-07:00

He's in Columbia because Franco moved his entire headquarters down to Columbia.

He is the Senior Vice President of Administrative Corporative Marketing of Franco's Franks, LLC, but he doesn't remember when or how he was hired.

He sees Ms. Mechtersheimer around the plant, and frankly, he thinks she looks a little suspicious.

Franco has someone who is very important in the workings of the company. This someone, he remembers, has been referred to as 'Number Two.' He wanted the job for himself, but then, at one point, he sort of blacked out, although he still has his office and such.

A direct quote from Thad: "Yeah, but honestly, everything seems strange to me right now. But I'll do anything Franco asks of me--anything!"

He has no idea who 'Number Two' is, and will even wonder if it could be himself. Because some times he'll wake up in the morning and have no idea what he did the day before.

He remembers, one time, placing an ad in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel for any young Brewers fans to come to the plant--and whoever ends up being the biggest fan will receive $200. He was curious as to what it was about (being something of a Brewers' fan himself), so he went down on the day of the event, too, but all he remembers is going into the room, grabbing a hot dog, and then sitting down to watch an introductory video they had prepared for the Brewers' fans. After that, his mind is blank.

Lena Mechterscheimer's Facts

2004-07-01T10:00:00.001-07:00

She's in Columbia because Franco moved his entire headquarters down to Columbia.

She is an executive in Franco's organization. Has been for just a couple of years, since March of 2001. She was contacted by a man who identified himself as a 'corporate headhunter who was looking for someone with just her qualifications and job history.' This man arranged for her to fly out to corporate headquarters in Milwaukee, but, as far as she knows, she has never met the man who originally called her. It might have been anyone. She admits that the whole thing was a little mysterious and shady, but she didn't really think that much of it, because of her (regrettable) criminal background.

Lena hasn't had much contact with anyone since she's moved to Columbia, beyond emails and phone calls from Franco, who is her boss (mostly emails). She was instructed to move into the house that they currently are sitting in, and mailed a key. Yes, she admits that this is all a little mysterious, but hey, again, that's why she thinks they hired someone with a criminal past, so they could conduct business this way without any problems. Back before the kidnapping of last year, they all worked in a normal office and everything, but now things seem to be more mysterious. She attributes all this secrecy to the abduction, and thinks that Franco is unstable because of it, that's all. She does know that business has never been better.

Her job with the company is to research and make contacts regarding different kinds of hot dog products. Specifically, there is a new kind of 'special ingredient,' called Mustard-44, that all new Franco's Franks products must include.

She has been instructed to leave different documentation and other things around town, at obscure locations, which are sometimes a little trying to get to. Again, she thinks this is just run of the mill paranoia, but really, it is all very strange. Usually these instructions come in over email, and they are frequently in some sort of code or another language, or something.

Meathead "Big Joe" Sanderson-Tucker's Facts

2004-07-01T10:00:00.000-07:00

He really does hate the pre-packaged meat industry. Once he trusts the teams, he will freely share this hatred with them. He may need to share with them where his fascination with packaged foods in general started, and also why he began to hate the whole industry, and decided to try and dismantle it, one piece at a time.

Meathead planned on only working at Franco's for a few months, but discovered some sort of shady goings-on that seemed very suspicious to him, so he decided to stick around and try and find out what the deal was with these things.

These are some of the things that he's discovered: a) the existence of a top-secret laboratory with a scientist who seems to be focused on something shady; b) that there is a chemical called Mustard-44, which is reputed to be the 'secret ingredient' in all of Franco's Franks--he has personally never seen Mustard-44, but has heard some higher-ups talking about; c) that there is a top executive in the company whose position is called 'Number Two,' and this person runs whatever shadiness is going on; d) that Number Two could be anyone, including someone that our teams have already met.

He's assuming all this funny business will blow over and he'll be able to pursue the destruction of Franco's Franks in peace.